My Story: Broken to Monster to Redeemed
This version of my testimony focuses on my struggles, what I learned in
the world, and how its philosophy causes most of our problems. How we're
led to misery in this life and eternal damnation in the next. How Jesus
Christ changes all of that. You will see that Jesus Christ has real power.
If He saved me, you know that there's nobody beyond His reach.
People naturally put their trust in things of this world for comfort or
purpose. Might be people close to you, status, school, job, money,
government, your church. I learned the hard way that you don't want those
as your foundation. We'll start from the beginning.
Start with an Uphill Battle
Although living in many places, I spent much of my childhood in rural
areas. I do enjoy BBQ, guns, and campfires but country life was boring.
Some of us liked TV, games, science, and all the things the city offers,
too. We mostly dreamed of better lives in other places. I was mentally
gifted but socially and physically weaker. I was a walking encyclopedia of
knowledge and full of great ideas. I just had no focus and procrastinated
too much. I couldn't understand why I thought this way. People excluded
and mocked "nerds" like us.
Un-diagnosed autism was the main reason. We're really smart but socially
clueless. I'll give you two examples. Have you really needed to say
something to someone, your mind went totally blank, and you were just
staring or bumbling your words? And that prevented or hurt the
relationship? Our brains often give us nothing to say in social
situations. Have you ever heard someone say something extremely important,
you couldn't understand what they meant, and getting the answer wrong
could cost you? That's how we experience many social situations, esp
"small talk." People told me I was insensitive, a jerk, a creep... you
Negative side: Many of us have to make scripts handling specific
situations. We fake small talk. We feel like aliens but we're at least
good actors. We might have a few friends.
Positive side: We do like talking about specific things and people.
That energizes us. The deeper it goes, the better. We're repetitive about
those things. They might be hobbies we become experts in. Otherwise, we
talk way too much about it to others and it causes problems. If we avoid
that, this deep, driven thinking is key to our brilliance.
How I chose to live: highly-imaginative overacting, out-smarting them,
constant jokes, avoiding them, and lying (showmanship) in that order. Three
helped me hide. Three made me shine.
On my parents: one parent was intellectual and shy, the other highly
empathetic and outgoing. I inherited both traits. I can experience one or
both together. I struggle to mentally handle that combination. I really
wanted to connect to and please people more than most others. My family
also had many divorces with lots of moving around. Living with my mother,
I grew up around women more than men. I'm just briefly mentioning these
things since they do affect everything else.
Instead of empathy, the black school I went to also made me hate being
white. They said we never did anything good, caused every bad thing, had
excluded blacks in the past ("racism"), and they didn't want whites
participating in black things ("not racism"). Even enemies sometimes
teamed up to prevent whites from winning in a dispute. Violence was
common. Many attacks involved multiple attackers beating a helpless person
while witnesses cheered it on.
The environment didn't cause these evils. It started with their
parents, peers, and whoever they looked up to. Some pushed people toward
morals, love, and responsibility. Most pushed people to not care, be
racist, and use and abuse others. Good and evil spread by the choices
people made. Our sinful nature makes us choose evil by default. People in
these schools promoted evil more than good. Then, pushed violence more
than white schools I went to. Why?
Criminal rappers and gang leaders were their heroes. The most lawless,
violent people wanted to be just like them. They walked, talked, and acted
like them while quoting their lyrics. Rap icons sung about selling their
souls to the devil, hooking neighborhoods on crack for easy money, using
women for sex, robbing people on the streets, joining gangs, killing their
opponents, cursing cops, and helping evil people dodge justice ("don't
snitch!"). Example: 2Pac - Ghetto Star (content warning). Black people in
bad environments mostly don't act like that, though.
Rock was less violent but plenty evil. Both rock and rap stars promised
that those most committed to this lifestyle would get rich, have piles of
beautiful women, and be worshiped like gods. Their music sounded good,
too. They lured many people into these lifestyles that way. I was jamming
to both. I imagined being more like them.
The core of their worldview was group identity. Your race
determined how you were treated. One race (whites) was always an
oppressor to resist or take power from. The others were treated as
if an uphill battle needing help. They’d also push blacks to do
anything identifying as black culture, even if it was what created
thugs (eg criminal rap). They’d mock or beat blacks who did things
that they described as too white. They resisted helpful programs and
activities because they were from white people. Their philosophy
created a confusing, self-destructive environment for both whites
Let's tie this section up. In the race-first model, they don’t care
who about you are as a person, what you’ve gone through, or your own
dreams. You are your race... or what they say about your race.
Today, critical, race theory is teaching the same worldview in
schools and churches with the same, damaging effects. Critical
theory, social justice (which isn't), and political correctness
expand these to gender, religion, and other traits. Get rid of these
if you want our institutions, esp schools, to create less division,
mental illness, and abusers.
It wasn't all bad. In the same way, some people at my school were
different: better attitude, had morals, valued schooling, cared for
others, and fun to be around. They often tried to counter the lies of
racism and thug culture with good sense. My teachers and friends like that
showed me how much better things could've been. I also think they're the
main reason I didn't turn into a racist. Their impact proves doing the
right thing in bad environments is far from pointless. We need more like
Far as lasting effects, my time in that school taught me to dodge
problems or verbally take on whole crowds. Trying to be black and show out
to fit in got more hate. I got stuck with being a half-white, half-black
nerd. People in two worlds walk a tight rope with no group to belong to. I
got paranoid thinking through everything I did, worrying what people
thought, and being ready for any problem. Those habits continue to bite me
White, suburban schools were much easier but I was also a teenager with
those problems. They were pretty typical. So, I’ll skip them.
High School’s Hardest Lessons
In high school, many things happened: I learned about programming,
hacking, anarchy, Jesus, and 9/11 and Iraq. Computers turned my
imagination into reality and put me in control (life didn't). Hacking
could give me power over others. Anarchists taught us we were the real
power and government. We learned how to take it back if necessary. In
church, I was told to pray the sinners prayer and obey the Bible. I was
active in church but maybe a Pharisee. I'm not sure if I really converted.
People with godly character had a positive impact on me, though.
Then, we watched the 9/11 attacks happen live in class. Many of us wanted
to join the military and fight terrorists. Later, our President lying that
Iraq was behind it killed more Americans than 9/11 itself, maimed tens of
thousands, and killed hundreds of thousands of innocents overseas. The
media, esp Fox, would lie that our strikes were successful while overseas
outlets would show actual videos of bombs missing and kids dying instead.
It was like Vietnam all over again. We can't trust our institutions.
Like today, church people talked a focus
on Christ until it cost them time, money, or worldly attachments.
Instead of abhorring sin, it was in all their entertainment. Racial
segregation existed across churches, cliques inside them, and they’d
ignore or mock outsiders. Instead of outreach and the poor, most money
went to big buildings, bureaucracies, and events for the well off. The
homeless and orphans couldn’t stay in their many, empty rooms.
Pastors' comments on science showed they never read it. Was all this
really from God?
I lost trust in them all. Maybe religion was just lies we told
ourselves to feel better about life or justify our actions. I walked
out on church and God. Many churches said apostasy is like
re-crucifying Jesus: I'd never be forgiven.
Be Badder, Better, and Best
New philosophy: "I'd Rather Die on My Feet Than Live On My Knees!"
I'd solve the hardest problems myself. Chasing that dream kept me
unemployed or in dead end jobs for long periods of time. I put all my time
into inventing or improving things. I'd study the best humanity had to
offer, esp their lessons learned or experiences. After exceeding pros, I'd
get bored and move onto a new project. I handed off developed ideas for
others to build. Finishing what I started wouldn't be as fun.
I scored respect from people on top, in the underground, and everywhere
in between. I wasted years of my life on such wicked elitism. I've
forgotten a lot of it but here’s some “highlights" if you want to call
I overcame social anxiety working high-volume retail. I became world-class
at tech for computer security and boosting human potential. As a
survivalist, I was an expert on crime, combat, and war. Offense or
defense, my specialty was countering high-strength opponents (esp
nation-states). My other hobbies included researcher, educator, reformer
(civil rights / anti-corruption), conspiracy theorist, business expert,
video games (strategy/shooters/RPG's), parties, being a martial artist,
and I made a few people pick-up artists.
What did it all teach me? Our institutions, systems, and philosophies were
all corrupted by human selfishness on every level. Every political
movement about bettering the world was self-righteous people doing us vs
them, often for ego (virtue signaling). The rich, famous, and powerful
were all liars. Underneath, they were just like us with similar worries or
never satisfied no matter what pleasures they had. They only stayed on top
if they convinced us they were worth watching or paying.
Facing death, they wished they thought more about God, family, and things
that really mattered. Then, they perished. I saw an evil, meaningless
world too broken to fix. If you doubt that, read a history book. People
consistently pour lots of energy into things that they ruin over time.
Nothing lasts. Why meaningless, though?
The Roots of Modern Evil
The secular world teaches that there is no
god, no purpose, morality is what each individual wants it to be, and do
what feels good for you. Our universe will eventually disappear into the
nothingness from whence it came. So, nothing you do good or bad really
matters. This worldview made it easy to see people as objects to exploit
or abuse. It's one of the worst philosophies human societies can
With power, we started seeing ourselves as gods. Others exist for our
benefit, the sheep to feed the hungry wolves. Get what you want out of
them: their money, bodies, and abilities. They’ll usually give them
willingly after we use lies or deals to trick them into thinking that’s
good for them. Maybe the wolves just bite chunks out of them and take
what we want. If we do our PR right, the masses we look down on will
make us CEO’s or President while defending the evil things we do. What a
deal! What an invitation!
Playing with the Other Side
Getting into the occult didn't help. Trying to hear
from Spirits, do dream control, astral projection to other realms, and
manipulate others' lives. Most involved are scammers trying to get
attention, money, or sex. The Bible says Satan poses as an angel of the
light. No surprise encountering real power was always bad for us.
I'll tell you how that works. If it's good, like
dreams or meditations, it always focuses you on pleasure and
distractions while evil continues to consume our world. Much like more
TV and game time does. Much worse usually happens. We were attacked by
those things. We'd be paralyzed but fully awake. If dreaming, awake in
lucid nightmares they controlled. Some get possessed to be their puppets
before doing horrible things nobody can make sense of. More often, you
think you're getting what you want while they're actually tricking,
corrupting, and using you.
Stay out of the occult! If you get trapped in it,
many of us noticed calling the name Jesus stops attacks that nothing
else would. We still didn't believe or follow Him.
What Effect Does All of That Have?
Worldly philosophy, occult practices, and choosing
to always do more got me to fantasizing about most forms of evil. I
vented my emotions listening to rebellious rock and demon rappers.
Having like-minded people around me made it worse. On the Internet, we
all watched sick stuff on places like Rotten.com. All this led me to a
point where the worst evils didn't bother me: thinking about them was
either fun or I just felt nothing. At times, I barely felt human.
Where does that lead? Con artists, pimps, child
abusers, rapists, enslavers, killers, and folks who want to wipe out
humanity all see people as objects to use and abuse. Jesus says people
like me who plot such evil in our hearts are just as wicked as those who
commit the acts. I even started to do several of those things. Before
anything happened, God stopped me with a heavy conscience and random
events that were highly unlikely.
I was an expert on spotting patterns. The nature of the obstacles
indicated the universe itself was resisting my efforts while selectively
allowing others to succeed. There was an intelligence behind it. Although
I sensed God, I hated God for giving me more bad luck than others. "Life's
unfair!" I whined.
(Looking back, I think God stopped me to make sure I could tell people I
didn't actually do those things. Might be important to somebody. I want to
be clear that I was still that evil, though. Just as guilty.)
If Not Forward, Then Sideways
Since I knew I'd be destroyed, I backed off the worst evils to stay pursuing
ego and pleasure. That included lots of pirated movies, music, and porn.
People loved the quality of mine so much they bought it from me. But what
entertained me the most was stirring people up by roasting and debating
them. For roasts, I had sharp wit. I always had comebacks to anything and I
would make them give up first. In debates, I liked devils advocating on the
worst topics to trigger others hardest. I'd say it was to show hard truths
to cause positive change. That was partly true.
Actually, I just enjoyed making others look like fools and humiliating
them. I justified it to myself saying their ignorance and apathy caused
most of society's problems. I destroyed people's faith in their politics
and religions, esp Jesus. Whereas, I gave away "real" knowledge for free
to anyone it would help. Boosted many underdogs, helped people with their
projects, and some patented what they learned from me. Fans of my humor,
debates, advice, and charity all gave me regular doses of my favorite,
At one point, God attempted to humble me with brain damage: my knowledge,
skills, and even memory of most of my life went... poof! All I'll say about
that. I refused to bow. I rebuilt my life piece by piece. I hid my
disability to avoid discrimination. I’d become a top performer somewhere,
reveal the truth, and tell them a cripple beat them to add insult to injury.
My survivor instincts kicked in between bouts of amnesia. I joked I was the
real Jason Bourne. Most years from then to now are just a blur to me. If I
ever got married or had kids, I wondered if I'd even remember their names.
Probably not have kids.
All that time, I was mainly motivated by ego and empathy. I
self-righteously picked which people were worth my time to be good to and
to build up. I'd ignore, mock, or step on the rest. With many threats and
past trauma, I overcompensated by appearing outwardly invincible as I
tried to outdo everyone.
Inwardly, I felt others' pain like it was my own, saw a world full of
decent people hurting, I could not help them, and I had insomnia. I had
vivid nightmares about many things, including that. I drowned both
problems out with the strongest alcohol every night for years.
The clock was ticking toward me being in prison, dead from liver failure,
or killing off whoever was standing in the way of progress. Although bad
at multitasking, I was making progress toward all three at once.
God Breaks Me and Quickly Responds to My Call
The breaking point eventually came. My soul was already calling out to God
sheep hear His voice
. His absence left a hole nothing else filled.
He let Satan dump more on me: around $100,000 of college and hospital debt
(appendicitis); knees, liver, and car start failing; relative had $350,000
bail we had to help with; staff cuts at an abusive employer had me
sprinting 13 hours a day, once 18.5 hours, serving angry customers; some
other catastrophes I'll leave off. Practically crawling under the weight,
I called to an "unknown God." I offered to do better and pull others up
with me if He would help me. Still arrogant even as I begged for help.
God Responds (Satan Does, Too)
High-potential people showed up out of nowhere with piles of interesting
coincidences happening. More patterns. Those who helped me were Christian.
One, new buddy of mine was a predator who set me up at work on false
charges to get a transfer to a higher-paying job. The setup was easier
because I talked and acted rudely and inappropriately to everyone,
including her. God's discipline for my sins.
About this time, I was reflecting on my past in near depression. I was
thinking: "I'm sorry for everything I said and did to all of you." I
wanted to tell as many as possible to their faces, too. Right what wrongs
I could. If I could. It was weighing heavily on me.
Back to the situation. My prayers and plans about that kept failing in
unbelievable ways. This time, I realized God wanted me to do things His
way, not mine. I'd have to submit to Him. I prayed that intention, she
suddenly left, I was still employed, and even the atheists involved were
stunned by how unlikely that was. Using that situation, God re-taught me
some gentleness, humility, and patience. What was He preparing me for?
Coronavirus Panic hit my very, next shift. People started acting like they
do in movies when the world is ending. Selfish, evil, and chaotic. The
people just trying to take care of their families felt helpless. I
canceled starting a business to focus on helping them even though we
thought COVID might kill me (immune disorder). Praying, reading the Bible,
and good works were all I knew to do. I prayed to God worrying I'd still
lose faith and abandon Him. I wondered if the Bible was spiritual truth
mixed in with the opinions of men. Maybe I could pick and choose what
suits me. Maybe He's real, the Bible is literally true, and I need to obey
it all. Until He answered, I'd keep reading, praying, and obeying.
He answered. I was tired at work when I saw a flash of bright light,
felt like a bolt of lightening went through me, became wide awake, and
heard a coworker in trouble ask for my help over the radio. The voice was
distorted in a mix of heavenly (angelic?) and underwater sound. I've had
many experiences, including lucid dreams. This was different. If you
experienced this, you'd immediately know it was supernatural event or you
just developed mental illness. I couldn't rule out mental illness. I just
started walking toward her. Minutes later, she came on the radio saying
the same words, same tone, and same pacing. Everything. I heard the future
and then it happened in precise detail. Experiencing an Old
Testament-style prophecy sent me running toward God.
Life of Service
I asked God how to serve Him right. I wore a shirt with the Word of God on
it every day so He could easily create opportunities. God used a combo of
that shirt, obeying specific commands, and narrow coincidences (signs) to
point me at a woman who overflowed with love for Jesus Christ. I had
forgotten what that even looked like.
"for all have sinned, and
fall short of the glory of God; 24 being justified freely by his grace
through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 3:23-24)
Their Bible study taught me Jesus saves permanently
anyone who believes in Him as a gift
It's not something we earn by works. His death on the Cross already earned
it, His Spirit transforms
us, and obedience and love are fruit
of Christ's own
in us. If we stray, the Good Shepherd goes
His lost sheep to carry them back home on His shoulder.
In my case, God just used impossible events and a prophecy to bring me to
a study on Jonah. I surrendered to Christ around June 2020.
Then, things started happening that never happened before. My PTSD and
insomnia symptoms disappeared first. Then, He changed me to love others
more, even strangers and enemies. Gave me feelings back that trauma had
taken away. Infants started staring at me with wide-eyed fascination,
often happy. It's like they saw something else. One animal nobody could
touch let me pet it. During lockdown, I had consistent, inner peace during
a time when many were consumed with fear.
Heart-hardened people opened up. God would make words flow out of me that
were just what they needed to hear. They wouldn't match my thinking style.
Random events at work shifted to benefit more than hurt me while others
had the same problems we had before. When trying to help others, random
events sometimes made that easier or cheaper. One person covered a large
debt for me. (Twice
Prayer had power science didn't begin to explain. The prophecy already had
my faith high. People whose luck was down told me everything started
lining up out of nowhere after a prayer. Some who tried to attack or
unjustly fire us had sudden problems that blocked that. After group
prayers, struggling and dying folks had rapid turn-arounds that baffled
God kept doing more. I'd sense a spiritual need in someone, pray (or fast)
for them, they'd randomly start focusing on that area, and improve. Some I
prayed hard for not only reported those outcomes: they used either the
exact words in my prayers or really close to them! Inside and out, the
Gospel had proven power!
"The saying is faithful and worthy of all
acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of
whom I am chief. However, for this cause I obtained mercy, that in
me first, Jesus Christ might display all his patience for an example of
those who were going to believe in him for eternal life."
After turning to Jesus Christ, who I am, my life, and others lives around
me have changed for the better in ways we'd all have said were impossible
just last year. Psalm
comes to mind. Works of fiction don't change people like me. It
was an act of God that saved other peoples' lives, too. I'd have killed
them. It all happened because God made me feel compelled to read His Word.
the word of God is living and active, and sharper than any two-edged
sword, piercing even to the dividing of soul and spirit, of both
joints and marrow, and is able to discern the thoughts and intentions
of the heart. 13 There is
no creature that is hidden from his sight, but all things are naked
and laid open before the eyes of him to whom we must give an account."
I was an undeserving sinner. He brought me back, cleansed me of all
that pain and filth inside, put His love and peace in me, and set me on
fire with His Spirit to serve Him. My life now and till death will testify
to the steadfast love our God gives us through our Lord Jesus Christ. Put
your trust totally in Jesus and He'll show you, too.
(Read the Gospel
with proof its true. Some predictions
He made to motivate us. If you're a believer, this site
will equip you.)