My Story: Broken to Monster to Redeemed

(Video here.)

This version of my testimony focuses on my struggles, what I learned in the world, and how its philosophy causes most of our problems. How we're led to misery in this life and eternal damnation in the next. How Jesus Christ changes all of that. You will see that Jesus Christ has real power. If He saved me, you know that there's nobody beyond His reach.

People naturally put their trust in things of this world for comfort or purpose. Might be people close to you, status, school, job, money, government, your church. I learned the hard way that you don't want those as your foundation. We'll start from the beginning.

Start with an Uphill Battle

Although living in many places, I spent much of my childhood in rural areas. I do enjoy BBQ, guns, and campfires but country life was boring. Some of us liked TV, games, science, and all the things the city offers, too. We mostly dreamed of better lives in other places. I was mentally gifted but socially and physically weaker. I was a walking encyclopedia of knowledge and full of great ideas. I just had no focus and procrastinated too much. I couldn't understand why I thought this way. People excluded and mocked "nerds" like us.


Un-diagnosed autism was the main reason. We're really smart but socially clueless. I'll give you two examples. Have you really needed to say something to someone, your mind went totally blank, and you were just staring or bumbling your words? And that prevented or hurt the relationship? Our brains often give us nothing to say in social situations. Have you ever heard someone say something extremely important, you couldn't understand what they meant, and getting the answer wrong could cost you? That's how we experience many social situations, esp "small talk." People told me I was insensitive, a jerk, a creep... you name it.

Negative side: Many of us have to make scripts handling specific situations. We fake small talk. We feel like aliens but we're at least good actors. We might have a few friends.

Positive side: We do like talking about specific things and people. That energizes us. The deeper it goes, the better. We're repetitive about those things. They might be hobbies we become experts in. Otherwise, we talk way too much about it to others and it causes problems. If we avoid that, this deep, driven thinking is key to our brilliance.

How I chose to live: highly-imaginative overacting, out-smarting them, constant jokes, avoiding them, and lying (showmanship) in that order. Three helped me hide. Three made me shine.

Rough Environments

On my parents: one parent was intellectual and shy, the other highly empathetic and outgoing. I inherited both traits. I can experience one or both together. I struggle to mentally handle that combination. I really wanted to connect to and please people more than most others. My family also had many divorces with lots of moving around. Living with my mother, I grew up around women more than men. I'm just briefly mentioning these things since they do affect everything else.

Instead of empathy, the black school I went to also made me hate being white. They said we never did anything good, caused every bad thing, had excluded blacks in the past ("racism"), and they didn't want whites participating in black things ("not racism"). Even enemies sometimes teamed up to prevent whites from winning in a dispute. Violence was common. Many attacks involved multiple attackers beating a helpless person while witnesses cheered it on.

The environment didn't cause these evils. It started with their parents, peers, and whoever they looked up to. Some pushed people toward morals, love, and responsibility. Most pushed people to not care, be racist, and use and abuse others. Good and evil spread by the choices people made. Our sinful nature makes us choose evil by default. People in these schools promoted evil more than good. Then, pushed violence more than white schools I went to. Why?

Criminal rappers and gang leaders were their heroes. The most lawless, violent people wanted to be just like them. They walked, talked, and acted like them while quoting their lyrics. Rap icons sung about selling their souls to the devil, hooking neighborhoods on crack for easy money, using women for sex, robbing people on the streets, joining gangs, killing their opponents, cursing cops, and helping evil people dodge justice ("don't snitch!"). Example: 2Pac - Ghetto Star (content warning). Black people in bad environments mostly don't act like that, though.

Rock was less violent but plenty evil. Both rock and rap stars promised that those most committed to this lifestyle would get rich, have piles of beautiful women, and be worshiped like gods. Their music sounded good, too. They lured many people into these lifestyles that way. I was jamming to both. I imagined being more like them.

The core of their worldview was group identity. Your race determined how you were treated. One race (whites) was always an oppressor to resist or take power from. The others were treated as if an uphill battle needing help. They’d also push blacks to do anything identifying as black culture, even if it was what created thugs (eg criminal rap). They’d mock or beat blacks who did things that they described as too white. They resisted helpful programs and activities because they were from white people. Their philosophy created a confusing, self-destructive environment for both whites and blacks.

Let's tie this section up. In the race-first model, they don’t care who about you are as a person, what you’ve gone through, or your own dreams. You are your race... or what they say about your race. Today, critical, race theory is teaching the same worldview in schools and churches with the same, damaging effects. Critical theory, social justice (which isn't), and political correctness expand these to gender, religion, and other traits. Get rid of these if you want our institutions, esp schools, to create less division, mental illness, and abusers.

It wasn't all bad. In the same way, some people at my school were different: better attitude, had morals, valued schooling, cared for others, and fun to be around. They often tried to counter the lies of racism and thug culture with good sense. My teachers and friends like that showed me how much better things could've been. I also think they're the main reason I didn't turn into a racist. Their impact proves doing the right thing in bad environments is far from pointless. We need more like them.

Far as lasting effects, my time in that school taught me to dodge problems or verbally take on whole crowds. Trying to be black and show out to fit in got more hate. I got stuck with being a half-white, half-black nerd. People in two worlds walk a tight rope with no group to belong to. I got paranoid thinking through everything I did, worrying what people thought, and being ready for any problem. Those habits continue to bite me occasionally.

White, suburban schools were much easier but I was also a teenager with those problems. They were pretty typical. So, I’ll skip them.

High School’s Hardest Lessons

In high school, many things happened: I learned about programming, hacking, anarchy, Jesus, and 9/11 and Iraq. Computers turned my imagination into reality and put me in control (life didn't). Hacking could give me power over others. Anarchists taught us we were the real power and government. We learned how to take it back if necessary. In church, I was told to pray the sinners prayer and obey the Bible. I was active in church but maybe a Pharisee. I'm not sure if I really converted. People with godly character had a positive impact on me, though.

Then, we watched the 9/11 attacks happen live in class. Many of us wanted to join the military and fight terrorists. Later, our President lying that Iraq was behind it killed more Americans than 9/11 itself, maimed tens of thousands, and killed hundreds of thousands of innocents overseas. The media, esp Fox, would lie that our strikes were successful while overseas outlets would show actual videos of bombs missing and kids dying instead. It was like Vietnam all over again. We can't trust our institutions.

Like today, church people talked a focus on Christ until it cost them time, money, or worldly attachments. Instead of abhorring sin, it was in all their entertainment. Racial segregation existed across churches, cliques inside them, and they’d ignore or mock outsiders. Instead of outreach and the poor, most money went to big buildings, bureaucracies, and events for the well off. The homeless and orphans couldn’t stay in their many, empty rooms. Pastors' comments on science showed they never read it. Was all this really from God?

I lost trust in them all. Maybe religion was just lies we told ourselves to feel better about life or justify our actions. I walked out on church and God. Many churches said apostasy is like re-crucifying Jesus: I'd never be forgiven.

Be Badder, Better, and Best

New philosophy: "I'd Rather Die on My Feet Than Live On My Knees!"

I'd solve the hardest problems myself. Chasing that dream kept me unemployed or in dead end jobs for long periods of time. I put all my time into inventing or improving things. I'd study the best humanity had to offer, esp their lessons learned or experiences. After exceeding pros, I'd get bored and move onto a new project. I handed off developed ideas for others to build. Finishing what I started wouldn't be as fun.

I scored respect from people on top, in the underground, and everywhere in between. I wasted years of my life on such wicked elitism. I've forgotten a lot of it but here’s some “highlights" if you want to call them that:

I overcame social anxiety working high-volume retail. I became world-class at tech for computer security and boosting human potential. As a survivalist, I was an expert on crime, combat, and war. Offense or defense, my specialty was countering high-strength opponents (esp nation-states). My other hobbies included researcher, educator, reformer (civil rights / anti-corruption), conspiracy theorist, business expert, video games (strategy/shooters/RPG's), parties, being a martial artist, and I made a few people pick-up artists.

What did it all teach me? Our institutions, systems, and philosophies were all corrupted by human selfishness on every level. Every political movement about bettering the world was self-righteous people doing us vs them, often for ego (virtue signaling). The rich, famous, and powerful were all liars. Underneath, they were just like us with similar worries or never satisfied no matter what pleasures they had. They only stayed on top if they convinced us they were worth watching or paying.

Facing death, they wished they thought more about God, family, and things that really mattered. Then, they perished. I saw an evil, meaningless world too broken to fix. If you doubt that, read a history book. People consistently pour lots of energy into things that they ruin over time. Nothing lasts. Why meaningless, though?

The Roots of Modern Evil

The secular world teaches that there is no god, no purpose, morality is what each individual wants it to be, and do what feels good for you. Our universe will eventually disappear into the nothingness from whence it came. So, nothing you do good or bad really matters. This worldview made it easy to see people as objects to exploit or abuse. It's one of the worst philosophies human societies can promote.

With power, we started seeing ourselves as gods. Others exist for our benefit, the sheep to feed the hungry wolves. Get what you want out of them: their money, bodies, and abilities. They’ll usually give them willingly after we use lies or deals to trick them into thinking that’s good for them. Maybe the wolves just bite chunks out of them and take what we want. If we do our PR right, the masses we look down on will make us CEO’s or President while defending the evil things we do. What a deal! What an invitation!

Playing with the Other Side

Getting into the occult didn't help. Trying to hear from Spirits, do dream control, astral projection to other realms, and manipulate others' lives. Most involved are scammers trying to get attention, money, or sex. The Bible says Satan poses as an angel of the light. No surprise encountering real power was always bad for us.

I'll tell you how that works. If it's good, like dreams or meditations, it always focuses you on pleasure and distractions while evil continues to consume our world. Much like more TV and game time does. Much worse usually happens. We were attacked by those things. We'd be paralyzed but fully awake. If dreaming, awake in lucid nightmares they controlled. Some get possessed to be their puppets before doing horrible things nobody can make sense of. More often, you think you're getting what you want while they're actually tricking, corrupting, and using you.

Stay out of the occult! If you get trapped in it, many of us noticed calling the name Jesus stops attacks that nothing else would. We still didn't believe or follow Him.

What Effect Does All of That Have?

Worldly philosophy, occult practices, and choosing to always do more got me to fantasizing about most forms of evil. I vented my emotions listening to rebellious rock and demon rappers. Having like-minded people around me made it worse. On the Internet, we all watched sick stuff on places like All this led me to a point where the worst evils didn't bother me: thinking about them was either fun or I just felt nothing. At times, I barely felt human.

Where does that lead? Con artists, pimps, child abusers, rapists, enslavers, killers, and folks who want to wipe out humanity all see people as objects to use and abuse. Jesus says people like me who plot such evil in our hearts are just as wicked as those who commit the acts. I even started to do several of those things. Before anything happened, God stopped me with a heavy conscience and random events that were highly unlikely.

I was an expert on spotting patterns. The nature of the obstacles indicated the universe itself was resisting my efforts while selectively allowing others to succeed. There was an intelligence behind it. Although I sensed God, I hated God for giving me more bad luck than others. "Life's unfair!" I whined.

(Looking back, I think God stopped me to make sure I could tell people I didn't actually do those things. Might be important to somebody. I want to be clear that I was still that evil, though. Just as guilty.)

If Not Forward, Then Sideways

Since I knew I'd be destroyed, I backed off the worst evils to stay pursuing ego and pleasure. That included lots of pirated movies, music, and porn. People loved the quality of mine so much they bought it from me. But what entertained me the most was stirring people up by roasting and debating them. For roasts, I had sharp wit. I always had comebacks to anything and I would make them give up first. In debates, I liked devils advocating on the worst topics to trigger others hardest. I'd say it was to show hard truths to cause positive change. That was partly true.

Actually, I just enjoyed making others look like fools and humiliating them. I justified it to myself saying their ignorance and apathy caused most of society's problems. I destroyed people's faith in their politics and religions, esp Jesus. Whereas, I gave away "real" knowledge for free to anyone it would help. Boosted many underdogs, helped people with their projects, and some patented what they learned from me. Fans of my humor, debates, advice, and charity all gave me regular doses of my favorite, legal drug.

At one point, God attempted to humble me with brain damage: my knowledge, skills, and even memory of most of my life went... poof! All I'll say about that. I refused to bow. I rebuilt my life piece by piece. I hid my disability to avoid discrimination. I’d become a top performer somewhere, reveal the truth, and tell them a cripple beat them to add insult to injury. My survivor instincts kicked in between bouts of amnesia. I joked I was the real Jason Bourne. Most years from then to now are just a blur to me. If I ever got married or had kids, I wondered if I'd even remember their names. Probably not have kids.

All that time, I was mainly motivated by ego and empathy. I self-righteously picked which people were worth my time to be good to and to build up. I'd ignore, mock, or step on the rest. With many threats and past trauma, I overcompensated by appearing outwardly invincible as I tried to outdo everyone.

Inwardly, I felt others' pain like it was my own, saw a world full of decent people hurting, I could not help them, and I had insomnia. I had vivid nightmares about many things, including that. I drowned both problems out with the strongest alcohol every night for years.

The clock was ticking toward me being in prison, dead from liver failure, or killing off whoever was standing in the way of progress. Although bad at multitasking, I was making progress toward all three at once.

God Breaks Me and Quickly Responds to My Call

The breaking point eventually came. My soul was already calling out to God since His sheep hear His voice. His absence left a hole nothing else filled. He let Satan dump more on me: around $100,000 of college and hospital debt (appendicitis); knees, liver, and car start failing; relative had $350,000 bail we had to help with; staff cuts at an abusive employer had me sprinting 13 hours a day, once 18.5 hours, serving angry customers; some other catastrophes I'll leave off. Practically crawling under the weight, I called to an "unknown God." I offered to do better and pull others up with me if He would help me. Still arrogant even as I begged for help.

God Responds (Satan Does, Too)

High-potential people showed up out of nowhere with piles of interesting coincidences happening. More patterns. Those who helped me were Christian. One, new buddy of mine was a predator who set me up at work on false charges to get a transfer to a higher-paying job. The setup was easier because I talked and acted rudely and inappropriately to everyone, including her. God's discipline for my sins.

About this time, I was reflecting on my past in near depression. I was thinking: "I'm sorry for everything I said and did to all of you." I wanted to tell as many as possible to their faces, too. Right what wrongs I could. If I could. It was weighing heavily on me.

Back to the situation. My prayers and plans about that kept failing in unbelievable ways. This time, I realized God wanted me to do things His way, not mine. I'd have to submit to Him. I prayed that intention, she suddenly left, I was still employed, and even the atheists involved were stunned by how unlikely that was. Using that situation, God re-taught me some gentleness, humility, and patience. What was He preparing me for?

Coronavirus Panic

Coronavirus Panic hit my very, next shift. People started acting like they do in movies when the world is ending. Selfish, evil, and chaotic. The people just trying to take care of their families felt helpless. I canceled starting a business to focus on helping them even though we thought COVID might kill me (immune disorder). Praying, reading the Bible, and good works were all I knew to do. I prayed to God worrying I'd still lose faith and abandon Him. I wondered if the Bible was spiritual truth mixed in with the opinions of men. Maybe I could pick and choose what suits me. Maybe He's real, the Bible is literally true, and I need to obey it all. Until He answered, I'd keep reading, praying, and obeying.

He answered. I was tired at work when I saw a flash of bright light, felt like a bolt of lightening went through me, became wide awake, and heard a coworker in trouble ask for my help over the radio. The voice was distorted in a mix of heavenly (angelic?) and underwater sound. I've had many experiences, including lucid dreams. This was different. If you experienced this, you'd immediately know it was supernatural event or you just developed mental illness. I couldn't rule out mental illness. I just started walking toward her. Minutes later, she came on the radio saying the same words, same tone, and same pacing. Everything. I heard the future and then it happened in precise detail. Experiencing an Old Testament-style prophecy sent me running toward God.

Life of Service

I asked God how to serve Him right. I wore a shirt with the Word of God on it every day so He could easily create opportunities. God used a combo of that shirt, obeying specific commands, and narrow coincidences (signs) to point me at a woman who overflowed with love for Jesus Christ. I had forgotten what that even looked like.

"for all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God; 24 being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 3:23-24)

Their Bible study taught me Jesus saves permanently anyone who believes in Him as a gift. It's not something we earn by works. His death on the Cross already earned it, His Spirit transforms us, and obedience and love are fruit of Christ's own work in us. If we stray, the Good Shepherd goes looking for His lost sheep to carry them back home on His shoulder. In my case, God just used impossible events and a prophecy to bring me to a study on Jonah. I surrendered to Christ around June 2020.

Then, things started happening that never happened before. My PTSD and insomnia symptoms disappeared first. Then, He changed me to love others more, even strangers and enemies. Gave me feelings back that trauma had taken away. Infants started staring at me with wide-eyed fascination, often happy. It's like they saw something else. One animal nobody could touch let me pet it. During lockdown, I had consistent, inner peace during a time when many were consumed with fear.

Heart-hardened people opened up. God would make words flow out of me that were just what they needed to hear. They wouldn't match my thinking style. Random events at work shifted to benefit more than hurt me while others had the same problems we had before. When trying to help others, random events sometimes made that easier or cheaper. One person covered a large debt for me. (Twice now.)

Prayer had power science didn't begin to explain. The prophecy already had my faith high. People whose luck was down told me everything started lining up out of nowhere after a prayer. Some who tried to attack or unjustly fire us had sudden problems that blocked that. After group prayers, struggling and dying folks had rapid turn-arounds that baffled professionals.

God kept doing more. I'd sense a spiritual need in someone, pray (or fast) for them, they'd randomly start focusing on that area, and improve. Some I prayed hard for not only reported those outcomes: they used either the exact words in my prayers or really close to them! Inside and out, the Gospel had proven power!


"The saying is faithful and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief. However, for this cause I obtained mercy, that in me first, Jesus Christ might display all his patience for an example of those who were going to believe in him for eternal life." (1 Tim. 1:15-16)

After turning to Jesus Christ, who I am, my life, and others lives around me have changed for the better in ways we'd all have said were impossible just last year. Psalm 116 comes to mind. Works of fiction don't change people like me. It was an act of God that saved other peoples' lives, too. I'd have killed them. It all happened because God made me feel compelled to read His Word. Hebrews says:

"For the word of God is living and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and is able to discern the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 13 There is no creature that is hidden from his sight, but all things are naked and laid open before the eyes of him to whom we must give an account." (Heb. 4:12-13)

I was an undeserving sinner. He brought me back, cleansed me of all that pain and filth inside, put His love and peace in me, and set me on fire with His Spirit to serve Him. My life now and till death will testify to the steadfast love our God gives us through our Lord Jesus Christ. Put your trust totally in Jesus and He'll show you, too.

(Read the Gospel with proof its true. Some predictions He made to motivate us. If you're a believer, this site will equip you.)