This version of my testimony focuses on my struggles, what I learned in
the world, and how its philosophy causes most of our problems. How we're
led to misery in this life and eternal damnation in the next. How Jesus
Christ changes all of that. You will see that Jesus Christ has real power.
If He saved me, you know that there's nobody beyond His reach.
People naturally put their trust in things of this world for comfort or
purpose. Might be people close to you, status, school, job, money,
government, your church. I learned the hard way that you don't want those
as your foundation. We'll start there.
Start with an Uphill Battle
Although living in many places, I spent much of my childhood in rural
areas. I do enjoy BBQ, guns, and campfires but country life was boring.
Some of us liked TV, games, science, and all the things the city offers.
We mostly dreamed of better lives in other places. I was mentally gifted
but socially and physically weaker. I was a walking encyclopedia of
knowledge and full of great ideas. I just had no focus and procrastinated
too much. I couldn't understand why I thought this way. People excluded
and mocked "nerds" like us.
Un-diagnosed autism was the main reason. We're really smart but socially
clueless. I'll give you two examples. Have you really needed to say
something to someone, your mind went totally blank, and you were just
staring or bumbling your words? And that prevented or hurt the
relationship? Our brains often give us nothing to say in social
situations. Have you ever heard someone say something extremely important,
you couldn't understand what they meant, and getting the answer wrong
could cost you? That's how we experience many social situations, esp
"small talk." People told me I was insensitive, a jerk, a creep... you
Negative side: Many of us have to make scripts handling specific
situations. We fake small talk. We feel like aliens but we're at least
good actors. We might have a few, good friends.
Positive side: We do like talking about specific things and people.
That energizes us. The deeper it goes, the better. We're repetitive about
those things. They might be hobbies we become experts in. Otherwise, we
talk way too much about it to others and it causes problems. If we avoid
that, this deep, driven thinking is key to our brilliance.
How I chose to live: highly-imaginative overacting, out-smarting them,
constant jokes, avoiding them, and lying (showmanship) in that order.
Three helped me hide. Three made me shine.
On my parents: one parent was intellectual and shy, the other highly
empathetic and outgoing. I inherited both traits. I can experience one or
both together. I struggle to mentally handle that combination. I really
wanted to connect to and please people more than most others. My family
also had many divorces with lots of moving around. Living with my mother,
I grew up around women more than men. I'm just briefly mentioning these
things since they do affect everything else.
Instead of empathy, the black school I went to also made me hate being
white. They said we never did anything good, caused every bad thing, had
excluded blacks in the past ("racism"), and they didn't want whites
participating in black things ("not racism"). Even enemies sometimes
teamed up to prevent whites from winning in a dispute. Violence was
common. Many attacks involved multiple attackers beating a helpless person
while witnesses cheered it on.
The environment didn't cause these evils. It started with their parents,
peers, and whoever they looked up to. Some pushed people toward morals,
love, and responsibility. Most pushed people to not care, be racist, and
use and abuse others. Good and evil spread by the choices people made. Our
sinful nature makes us choose evil by default. People in these schools
promoted evil more than good. Then, pushed violence more than white
schools I went to. Why?
Criminal rappers and gang leaders were their heroes. The most lawless,
violent people wanted to be just like them. They walked, talked, and acted
like them while quoting their lyrics. Rap icons sung about selling their
souls to the devil, hooking neighborhoods on crack for easy money, using
women for sex, robbing people on the streets, joining gangs, killing their
opponents, cursing cops, and helping evil people dodge justice ("don't
snitch!"). Example: 2Pac - Ghetto Star (content warning). Rock was less
violent but plenty evil. Both rock and rap stars promised that those most
committed to this lifestyle would get rich, have piles of beautiful women,
and be worshiped like gods. Their music sounded good, too. I was jamming
Quick note on the evils I just listed. People doing evil at the school
said it was normal. That's a lie because most black people didn't act like
that. The next move was telling black people that they needed to do black
things, not white things. If they didn't, they weren't black themselves or
were too white. So, they should support those rappers. On top of being
racist, that's a lie because it equates black culture with rap. Criminal
rap is just nonsense wicked people preach to sell albums. Most black
people aren't harming anyone or encouraging harm. They're doing lots of
interesting things. Some are even making positive rap. Highlight and
support them, not criminal rappers.
In the same way, some people at my school were different: better
attitude, had morals, valued schooling, and cared for others. They often
tried to counter the lies in rap with good sense. My teachers and friends
like that showed me how much better things could've been. Their impact
proves doing the right thing in bad environments is far from pointless. We
need more like them.
Far as lasting effects, my time in that school taught me to dodge problems
or verbally take on whole crowds. Trying to be black and show out to fit
in got more hate. I got stuck with being a half-white, half-black nerd.
People in two worlds walk a tight rope with no group to belong to. I got
paranoid thinking through everything I did, worrying what people thought,
and being ready for any problem. Those habits continue to bite me
White, suburban schools were much easier but I was also a teenager with
those problems. They were pretty typical. So, I’ll skip them.
High School’s Hardest Lessons
In high school, many things happened: I learned about programming,
hacking, anarchy, Jesus, and 9/11 and Iraq. Computers turned my
imagination into reality and put me in control (life didn't). Hacking
could give me power over others. Anarchists taught us we were the real
power and government. We learned how to take it back if necessary. In
church, I was told to pray the sinners prayer and obey the Bible. I was
active in church but maybe a Pharisee. I'm not sure if I really converted.
People with godly character had a positive impact on me, though.
Then, we watched the 9/11 attacks happen live in class. Many of us wanted
to join the military and fight terrorists. Later, our President lying that
Iraq was behind it killed more Americans than 9/11 itself, maimed tens of
thousands, and killed hundreds of thousands of innocents overseas. The
media, esp Fox, would lie that our strikes were successful while overseas
outlets would show actual videos of bombs missing and kids dying instead.
It was like Vietnam all over again. We can't trust our institutions.
In church, people talked a focus on Christ until it cost them time, money,
or worldly attachments. The Bible said the Spirit brought holiness, love,
and truth. Church people's jokes, movies, and lifestyles were sinful.
Churches seemed racially segregated with most races doing that. Their
members rarely helped people who were really different from them. Pastors'
comments on science showed they never read it. I started thinking people
in churches were as fake as everyone else. I found out that famous
preachers said that, too.
Maybe religion was just lies that make us feel good. I walked out on
church and God. Many churches said apostasy is like re-crucifying Jesus:
I'd never be forgiven.
Be Badder, Better, and Best
New philosophy: "I'd Rather Die on My Feet Than Live On My Knees!"
I'd solve the hardest problems myself. Chasing that dream kept me
unemployed or in dead end jobs for long periods of time. I put all my time
into inventing or improving things. I'd study the best humanity had to
offer, esp their lessons learned or experiences. After exceeding pros, I'd
get bored and move onto a new project. I handed off developed ideas for
others to build. Finishing what I started wouldn't be as fun.
I scored respect from people on top, in the underground, and everywhere
in between. I wasted years of my life on such wicked elitism. I've
forgotten a lot of it but here’s some “highlights" if you want to call
I overcame social anxiety working high-volume retail. I became world-class
at tech for computer security and boosting human potential. As a
survivalist, I was an expert on crime, combat, and war. Offense or
defense, my specialty was countering high-strength opponents (esp
nation-states). My other hobbies included researcher, educator, reformer
(civil rights / anti-corruption), conspiracy theorist, business expert,
video games (strategy/shooters/RPG's), parties, being a martial artist,
and I made a few people pick-up artists.
What did it all teach me? Our institutions, systems, and philosophies were
all corrupted by human selfishness on every level. Every political
movement about bettering the world was self-righteous people doing us vs
them, often for ego (virtue signaling). The rich, famous, and powerful
were all liars. Underneath, they were just like us with similar worries or
never satisfied no matter what pleasures they had. They only stayed on top
if they convinced us they were worth watching or paying.
Facing death, they wished they thought more about God, family, and things
that really mattered. Then, they perished. I saw an evil, meaningless
world too broken to fix. If you doubt that, read a history book. People
consistently pour lots of energy into things that they ruin over time.
Nothing lasts. Why meaningless, though?
The Roots of Modern Evil
The secular world teaches that there is no god, no purpose, morality is
what each individual wants it to be, and do what feels good for you. Our
universe will eventually disappear into the nothingness from whence it
came. So, nothing you do good or bad really matters. This worldview made
it easy to see people as objects to exploit or abuse. It's one of the
worst philosophies human societies can promote.
Adding some occult practices let demons put more of it into my mind. I
vented my emotions listening to rebellious rock and demon rappers. The
evil in me just kept multiplying the longer I went down that path. Having
like-minded people around me made it worse. On the Internet, we all
watched sick stuff on places like Rotten.com. The worst evils eventually
didn't bother me: thinking about them was either fun or I just felt
nothing. At times, I barely felt human.
Where does that lead? Con artists, pimps, child abusers, rapists,
enslavers, killers, and folks who want to wipe out humanity all see people
as objects to use and abuse. Jesus says people like me who plot such evil
in our hearts are just as wicked as those who commit the acts. I even
started to do several of those things. Before anything happened, God
stopped me with a heavy conscience and random events that were highly
I was an expert on spotting patterns. The nature of the obstacles
indicated the universe itself was resisting my efforts while selectively
allowing others to succeed. There was an intelligence behind it. Although
I sensed God, I hated God for giving me more bad luck than others. "Life's
unfair!" I whined.
(Looking back, I think God stopped me to make sure I could tell people I
didn't actually do those things. Might be important to somebody. I want to
be clear that I was still that evil, though. Just as guilty.)
If Not Forward, Then Sideways
Since I knew I'd be destroyed, I backed off the worst evils to stay
pursuing ego and pleasure. That included lots of pirated movies, music,
and porn. People loved the quality of mine so much they bought it from me.
But what entertained me the most was stirring people up by roasting and
debating them. For roasts, I had sharp wit. I always had comebacks to
anything and I would make them give up first. In debates, I liked devils
advocating on the worst topics to trigger others hardest. I'd say it was
to show hard truths to cause positive change. That was partly true.
Actually, I just enjoyed making others look like fools and humiliating
them. I justified it to myself saying their ignorance and apathy caused
most of society's problems. I destroyed people's faith in their politics
and religions, esp Jesus. Whereas, I gave away "real" knowledge for free
to anyone it would help. Boosted many underdogs, helped people with their
projects, and some patented what they learned from me. Fans of my humor,
debates, advice, and charity all gave me regular doses of my favorite,
At one point, God attempted to humble me with brain damage: my
knowledge, skills, and even memory of most of my life went... poof! All
I'll say about that. I refused to bow. I rebuilt my life piece by piece. I
hid my disability to avoid discrimination. I’d become a top performer
somewhere, reveal the truth, and tell them a cripple beat them to add
insult to injury. My survivor instincts kicked in between bouts of
amnesia. I joked I was the real Jason Bourne. Most years from then to now
are just a blur to me. If I ever got married or had kids, I wondered if
I'd even remember their names. Probably not have kids.
All that time, I was mainly motivated by ego and empathy. I
self-righteously picked which people were worth my time to be good to and
to build up. I'd ignore, mock, or step on the rest. With many threats and
past trauma, I overcompensated by appearing outwardly invincible as I
tried to outdo everyone.
Inwardly, I felt others' pain like it was my own, saw a world full of
decent people hurting, I could not help them, and I had insomnia. I had
vivid nightmares about many things, including that. I drowned both
problems out with the strongest alcohol every night for years.
The clock was ticking toward me being in prison, dead from liver failure,
or killing off whoever was standing in the way of progress. Although bad
at multitasking, I was making progress toward all three at once.
God Breaks Me and Quickly Responds to My Call
The breaking point eventually came. My soul was already calling out to God
sheep hear His voice
. His absence left a hole nothing else filled.
He let Satan dump more on me: around $100,000 of college and hospital debt
(appendicitis); knees, liver, and car start failing; relative had $350,000
bail we had to help with; staff cuts at an abusive employer had me
sprinting 13 hours a day, once 18.5 hours, serving angry customers; some
other catastrophes I'll leave off. Practically crawling under the weight,
I called to an "unknown God." I offered to do better and pull others up
with me if He would help me. Still arrogant even as I begged for help.
God Responds (Satan Does, Too)
High-potential people showed up out of nowhere with piles of interesting
coincidences happening. More patterns. Those who helped me were Christian.
One, new buddy of mine was a predator who set me up at work on false
charges to get a transfer to a higher-paying job. The setup was easier
because I talked and acted rudely and inappropriately to everyone,
including her. God's discipline for my sins.
About this time, I was reflecting on my past in near depression. I was
thinking: "I'm sorry for everything I said and did to all of you." I
wanted to tell as many as possible to their faces, too. Right what wrongs
I could. If I could. It was weighing heavily on me.
Back to the situation. My prayers and plans about that kept failing in
unbelievable ways. This time, I realized God wanted me to do things His
way, not mine. I'd have to submit to Him. I prayed that intention, she
suddenly left, I was still employed, and even the atheists involved were
stunned by how unlikely that was. Using that situation, God re-taught me
some gentleness, humility, and patience. What was He preparing me for?
Coronavirus Panic hit my very, next shift. People started acting like they
do in movies when the world is ending. Selfish, evil, and chaotic. The
people just trying to take care of their families felt helpless. I
canceled starting a business to focus on helping them even though we
thought COVID might kill me (immune disorder). Praying, reading the Bible,
and good works were all I knew to do. I prayed to God worrying I'd still
lose faith and abandon Him. I wondered if the Bible was spiritual truth
mixed in with the opinions of men. Maybe I could pick and choose what
suits me. Maybe He's real, the Bible is literally true, and I need to obey
it all. Until He answered, I'd keep reading, praying, and obeying.
He answered. I was tired at work when I saw a flash of bright light,
felt like a bolt of lightening went through me, became wide awake, and
heard a coworker in trouble ask for my help over the radio. The voice was
distorted in a mix of heavenly (angelic?) and underwater sound. I've had
many experiences, including lucid dreams. This was different. If you
experienced this, you'd immediately know it was supernatural event or you
just developed mental illness. I couldn't rule out mental illness. I just
started walking toward her. Minutes later, she came on the radio saying
the same words, same tone, and same pacing. Everything. I heard the future
and then it happened in precise detail. Experiencing an Old
Testament-style prophecy sent me running toward God.
Life of Service
I asked God how to serve Him right. I wore a shirt with the Word of God on
it every day so He could easily create opportunities. God used a combo of
that shirt, obeying specific commands, and narrow coincidences (signs) to
point me at a woman who overflowed with love for Jesus Christ. I had
forgotten what that even looked like.
"for all have sinned, and
fall short of the glory of God; 24 being justified freely by his grace
through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 3:23-24)
Their Bible study taught me Jesus saves permanently
anyone who believes in Him as a gift
It's not something we earn by works. His death on the Cross already earned
it, His Spirit transforms
us, and obedience and love are fruit
of Christ's own
in us. If we stray, the Good Shepherd goes
His lost sheep to carry them back home on His shoulder.
In my case, God just used impossible events and a prophecy to bring me to
a study on Jonah. I surrendered to Christ around June 2020.
Then, things started happening that never happened before. My PTSD and
insomnia symptoms disappeared first. Then, He changed me to love others
more, even strangers and enemies. Gave me feelings back that trauma had
taken away. Infants started staring at me with wide-eyed fascination,
often happy. It's like they saw something else. One animal nobody could
touch let me pet it. During lockdown, I had consistent, inner peace during
a time when many were consumed with fear.
Heart-hardened people opened up. God would make words flow out of me that
were just what they needed to hear. They wouldn't match my thinking style.
Random events at work shifted to benefit more than hurt me while others
had the same problems we had before. When trying to help others, random
events sometimes made that easier or cheaper. One person covered a large
debt for me. (Twice
Prayer had power science didn't begin to explain. The prophecy already had
my faith high. People whose luck was down told me everything started
lining up out of nowhere after a prayer. Some who tried to attack or
unjustly fire us had sudden problems that blocked that. After group
prayers, struggling and dying folks had rapid turn-arounds that baffled
God kept doing more. I'd sense a spiritual need in someone, pray (or fast)
for them, they'd randomly start focusing on that area, and improve. Some I
prayed hard for not only reported those outcomes: they used either the
exact words in my prayers or really close to them! Inside and out, the
Gospel had proven power!
"The saying is faithful and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus
came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief. However, for
this cause I obtained mercy, that in me first, Jesus Christ might display
all his patience for an example of those who were going to believe in him
for eternal life." (1
After turning to Jesus Christ, who I am, my life, and others lives around
me have changed for the better in ways we'd all have said were impossible
just last year. Psalm
comes to mind. Works of fiction don't change people like me. It
was an act of God that saved other peoples' lives, too. I'd have killed
them. It all happened because God made me feel compelled to read His Word.
"For the word of God is
living and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even
to the dividing of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and is
able to discern the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 13 There
is no creature that is hidden from his sight, but all things are naked
and laid open before the eyes of him to whom we must give an account." (Heb.
I was an undeserving sinner. He brought me back, cleansed me of all
that pain and filth inside, put His love and peace in me, and set me on
fire with His Spirit to serve Him. My life now and till death will testify
to the steadfast love our God gives us through our Lord Jesus Christ. Put
your trust totally in Jesus and He'll show you, too.
(Read the Gospel
with proof its true. Some predictions
He made to motivate us. If you're a believer, this site
will equip you.)